This summer there’s been a string of celebrity breakups, separations, and divorces. Some, unfortunate as it is, we could all see coming, while others were totally out of the blue. I’m not sure what’s causing all of these splits – could it be some kind of bad planetary alignment, a curse cast by an evil PR team, or maybe skinny jeans are getting too tight and they’re cutting off the blood flow to everyone’s brains so they’re not thinking clearly? No matter the cause, Fae and I have selflessly stepped in to determine which party came out on top and won the breakup.
Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
Tessa’s Winner: Gwen Stefani is the epitome of cool and she’s got so much going for her right now on The Voice, touring with her band No Doubt, and recording her upcoming third solo album.
Fae’s Winner: Gwen, for all the reasons above.
Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick
Tessa’s Winner: Kourtney Kardashian wins by association. She will continue to be in the spotlight thanks to her famous family and will maintain, if not exceed, the success she’s already achieved. Scott Disick has always been portrayed as a bad boy on Keeping Up with the Kardashians and his recent stunts aren’t changing anyone’s opinion. Kardashian seems to have a level head on her shoulders (considering her environment), but the same cannot be said for Disick.
Fae’s Winner: I vote for Kourtney as well. I haven’t even heard anything about Scott since their breakup, while Kourtney’s been spotted looking very fashionable at New York Fashion Week! Also, no one really likes Scott, despite the comic relief he provides amidst the crying and fighting on Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert
Tessa’s Winner: If the rumors are true and Miranda Lambert really was unfaithful to Blake Shelton, then I give this one to Shelton. You know he’s going to get so much attention as the “one who was left.” Not to mention he has a newly single Gwen Stefani sitting beside him on The Voice.
Fae’s Winner: Neither. Both these people suck, and have both acted like jerks since their breakup. This is a coupling I don’t care about, so the breakup didn’t matter to me either.
Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green
Tessa’s Winner: Megan Fox wins this breakup. Brian Austin Green stopped being relevant the day Beverly Hills 90210 went off the air. His name only started recirculating when he married Megan Fox and the world shook its head in a collective “huh?” Megan will continue to work – TMNT 2, anyone? – and Green will fade back into pop culture history.
Fae’s Winner: Megan, of course. Who is Brian Austin Green again?
Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog
Tessa’s Winner: Miss Piggy, hooves down. She’s already been seen with the likes of Liam Hemsworth and Josh Groban. I’m sure she got tired of the back and forth with Kermit – land or water, land or water? Over it.
Fae’s Winner: Miss Piggy gets my vote, as well. She’s been spotted with the aforementioned hotties, while Kermit has found a pig named Denise to keep him company. (Kermit definitely has a type.) I think as the new season of The Muppets starts airing this fall, we’ll see more of the aftermath of this breakup and be able to make a better determination of winners and losers.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger
Tessa’s Winner: Avril Lavigne wins because the world seems to hate her less than they do Chad Kroeger and Nickleback. Also, remember that time she dated the bro-est of the bros, Brody Jenner? That was confusing.
Fae’s Winner: I really want to not care about this, but Avril wins. She recently appeared on stage with Taylor Swift as one of the many guest stars of the manic 1989 tour, and I just heard her song on the radio. In the meantime, people are still making Nickleback jokes, so I think it’s safe to say that no one likes or is oblivious to Chad Kroeger.
Jennifer Westfeldt and Jon Hamm
Tessa’s Winner: Truth be told, I’ve never watched an episode of Mad Men (BLASPHEMY!), but I know people like Jon Hamm. There’s just something about him that makes me think he’s a bit smarmy. However, I do think he’ll win the breakup. He’s had a lot of success over the years and will continue now that he’s single. Besides, Jennifer Westfeldt seems like the kind of gal who isn’t interested in winning the breakup in the first place.
Fae’s Winner: I really, really love this coupling, and I’m hoping for a reconciliation, but I think that both Jon and Jennifer win. Yes, it’s a tie!
Jon Hamm is most popular for his AMC series Mad Men, but he recently entered rehab to treat a rumored alcohol addiction. Jennifer Westfeldt is a more understated but complex actress, writer and director. Her work on Kissing Jessica Stein was awesome, and she’s been in tons of movies since then. Unfortunately, she’s never reached the same level of fame as Jon Hamm (though I’m not sure she wants to). They seem to be two lovely people who realized that maybe they weren’t meant for each other. They seem to relish their 18 years of companionship, and I bet they’ll be great friends for…well, forever.
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck
Tessa’s Winner: I’ll be honest and say I’ve never really liked Ben Affleck. Yes, he’s very successful and he is besties with American sweetheart Matt Damon, but I just don’t see the appeal. My vote goes to Jen with the hopes that she’ll rise from the ashes like some mega-hot phoenix and show the world what she’s made of.
Fae’s Winner: I gotta say, this breakup actually was pretty disappointing for me. In the aftermath of his directorial debut, Argo, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner gave me #relationshipgoals. Seriously, his “thank you for working on our marriage for ten Christmases” speech at the Oscars was so moving and sweet. These two really seemed devoted to each other, so it was a tough call to pick a winner. But the winner is Ben.
With his upcoming (and controversial!) role in Batman vs. Superman alongside his recent career successes, like Argo and Gone Girl, I’m liking Ben more and more. He’s been an outspoken philanthropist and political activist, supporting candidates like Cory Booker and Elizabeth Warren. He’s got a lot going for him.
I think Jennifer Garner is a spokesperson for Capital One now, if that says anything about what she’s got coming up.